TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Indeed, sure, let us have A further place in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: present All people a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They can Occur"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even Trump Tower Damascus the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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